stress god

There’s this great meme going around which really encapsulates the way I live. It goes something like, “Do you ever tell yourself everything’s gonna be okay after you make it through this week, but like, every week?”

Variations on that theme:

“I’ve just gotta press through these last two semesters of college and get my degree, and then I’ll be okay.”

“Once I get my degree, I’ll be promoted and will make more money, and then I’ll be okay.”

“Everything will be better when Jenni and I get married, because then we won’t be apart any more.”

Speaking of Jenni, she says this thing over and over again which really irritates me (girlfriends, amiright?): “Ian, we have to figure out how to enjoy this time in our lives.” It irritates me because I’m like, No. I don’t enjoy not being with you. Why are you telling me to enjoy it? Impossible. Wait. Do *you* enjoy not being with *me*? Is that what you’re *really* saying? That’s what you’re really saying. I know because I read minds.

But of course that’s not what she’s saying. (I mean, look at me.) What she’s saying, in her way, is, “Ian, if you don’t stop stressing out, you’re never gonna stop stressing out.” And that’s true. I know because I have way more than my drug-addicted self of 8.5 years ago had, and It’s Still Not Okay.

Then, I heard yet another sermon on idolatry at this Anglican church I’ve been attending here in Missoula, and I had a thought I don’t think I’ve ever had before: what if idolatry isn’t just about serving gods we think are good for us, like money and success? What if idolatry is also about serving gods that we know are not good for us? Like stress?

Fr. Justin was talking about a verse in Joshua, in which he tells the people of Israel to put away their foreign gods, the gods their ancestors worshiped while they were slaves in Egypt. And I thought to myself, “Which are the gods I served in my slavery which I may still be serving?” It reminded me of another sermon I’d heard from the pastor at my church back in Chicagoland, Keith Schauer, in which he said that very often, our old masters keep giving us orders, and we keep obeying because we were trained to.

And it occurred to me (by divine revelation, if you ask me) that one of those gods I’m still serving is stress. And I serve the stress god in curious ways. With my thought patterns (see above), with the way I talk about things, with my one or two cigarettes of an evening, with my procrastination. And I sacrifice to my stress god–my time, my happiness, my patience levels with those closest to me (Jenni is on the receiving end of this far too often). And what do I receive? What gifts dost my god bestow upon me? Excuses, I think, more than anything. There’s something pretty ugly in me that really likes excuses, that almost prefers to be sick in order to have a good reason for shirking responsibility.

So when I realized all this, I got really happy, because that’s what the revelation of truth does to me. I started imagining what life could be like, right now, in this moment (per Jenni), free of stress. And I mean come on, I’ve done this before–trying to live in the present, etc. But for whatever reason, considering it in this way has been really helpful. I hope it is for you, too.