vibrations

I’m bored. I’m anxious. Because nothing belongs to me.
Because I owe.
I fight to be something I’m not.
I am weary. Weary of trying to think new thoughts. How do I think new thoughts? It feels so new it’s not me. It’s fake. It’s tiring.
But there are glimpses of hope, like today. Then I immediately fear my hope because it crumbles, always. Falls away.
I yearn to express myself poetically and I fail because I try. Too hard? Yes. Too hard. And what am I trying for? Newness. The newness I fear and is elusive.

Avoiding. Avoiding me. I’m avoiding me. I come to the brink and retreat back. Because it’s unknown? Kind of. Not really.
Because it doesn’t work.
Not the way I want it to. And I fear it never will. That is my fear. Mediocrity. I fear being one of the crowd. Indistinguishable. Because I hate the masses? Yes. The masses, not individual people. The stupid masses, I hate. And I am lost in them. I cannot escape. I can. But I won’t because I choose not to. I choose to stand and fight, not escape. Overcome, not escape.

I want reality to feel better. Peace. I am not at peace because I don’t live now. I live then, or before. To live now, see the trees, smell autumn, do, finish. To lift my arms, to raise them and shake fists! To seek truth, to say truth, to live it. To believe it. Mostly to believe it.

Droll argument.

Rather droll, once it hits there. Belief. Life. Do they cross? Droll. Why? No progress. No moving forward. Just idle arguments. Idle words. Words make me feel like I’m doing something when I’m not. Words rarely satisfy. Do I not believe in them? Less and less. Words are folly. No one hears them. It matters not what I say, but how I say it. I hate this. No one listens. I don’t listen.

We are preoccupied. The present is vulnerable and painful, yes? Living now, this is painful. And boring. Why do I feel pain in boredom? I feel pain everywhere. I cannot escape it.
I can!
I don’t.
I will.
I won’t, needs facing. Process. This is what I’m told. Process. Think.
I don’t want to. It’s the same every time.
But it’s not, if I try. Not try – if I stop escaping. Emotions are in control. I am not my master. Emotions run free. And drag.

And now I am tired. I am broken, feel empty. Drained of useless thoughts, the goal. But never drained, really. They sit and they wait, the follies. They claim me at my best and desert me. Flee. Like rational thought.
Too intellectual. Too.. bleh.. abstract. I hate that word and what it means. Pseudo-intellectual. That’s what comes to mind when I hear or say or write the word abstract. Overused. Overadmired. Now scorned.

There’s a good one. Scorned. Word.

I’m trying to drain it all. Trying to sleep. Trying to remember myself. Trying to keep it together.
(Partial bile upheaval.)

Scream. Scream again. From the guts, now! From the belly, tearing through the throat, the body resonating like a beat drum, bare teeth SCREAM!

Imagine there’s a Heaven. And imagine it’s where you’re made to be.

I hate. Odd place to turn, I know. But there are some things I hate. People acting, for one. Acting different from because they’re embarrassed of.

Speaking things into being. Interesting concept. God’s vehicle in creation, our best way toward healing. Yes. Dark thoughts need to be spoken. Loudly. Not without propriety. Not to just anyone. Not at dinner. No, no, NO.
Keep your head on.
Don’t mess up.
Be a jackass. They love it.